At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
