she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
