If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
