I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
