There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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