i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
