I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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