:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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