I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
