That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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