Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
