Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
