I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
