i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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