I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
