Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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