I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
