dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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