Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
