went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
