mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
