I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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