last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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