Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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