I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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