apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
