So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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