Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
