Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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