picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
