shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
