yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
