I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
