If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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