Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
