I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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