Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
