I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
