I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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