At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
