this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
