just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
