Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
