Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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