I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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