Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
