im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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