I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
