genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
