bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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