Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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