is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
