Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
