At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just blew my weed a kiss
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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