Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
