I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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