I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I know her cup size but not her name....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
