My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
