Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
