Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
