hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
