my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
